Foul Mood

OMG. It's one of those days I need a punching bag. I'm pretty sure I would break a bone. I'm just really really mad. I was fine until we went over to mom's. She was watching "One Born Every Minute" (yay). Then she goes to her favorite anecdote - how she "just can't wait for when I have a baby. I'm not gonna be able to take it because I don't like pain (wtf)." For some reason she thinks I have no pain tolerance and I have heard this a million times from her. Well before I didn't have the big, festering, infertility stab wound in my back. She poured salt allllll up in it tonight and I.lost.it. I mean does she think she is Wonder Woman? OBVIOUSLY it's going to hurt. OBVIOUSLY I don't like pain, who the hell does? I told her that too. I said do you like pain? NO. I don't sit around crying when I have pain, and I do have pain. My menstrual cramps HURT. When I have cysts, IT HURTS. She doesn't know my pain tolerance. I told her point blank she WILL NOT be by my side when I give birth. She will just piss me off.

Other notable things that have gone wrong today:

• I stepped on a staple with the heel of my bare foot.
• My dogs unraveled a whole skein of yarn
• I grabbed one can of soda out of the fridge and several fall onto the floor.

Is it tomorrow yet?

Sick of it!

I swear I would delete my Facebook account if I didn't need it for my photography page. Today, my mom's niece ( a different one if you can believe it) announced her pregnancy and it reduced me to a snotty mess. I wish I didn't care. This particular morning I stared a a stark white HPT. No, you're right, it's not like it was the first time. It's just getting really old. Oh, and my birthday is coming up too, which I refuse to celebrate anymore. Just one year older and still childless. I text DH about the pregnancy announcement and he said: Angela it will happen baby.. It will be worth the wait. I know he's right. But, it doesn't make any of this any easier. Sigh.

Storms: Weather and Other Kinds

There's nothing quite like living in Tornado Alley at the onset of spring. We have always been pretty lucky except for April 2, 2006. It changed the face of my quiet little town forever. On that lovely Sunday evening, as families were at evening church services, unwinding after dinner and just going about life as usual - an F3 tornado, 1/2 a mile WIDE was making it's way toward us. It destroyed 60% of my town, including our high school. We were without power and water for days. Hundreds were without a home. We were very fortunate than none of our families homes were majorly damaged and no one in our town died. That's nothing short of a miracle. Here's the monster and you can view some of the damage HERE:

Tonight we had some pretty severe storms. Our county had a tornado warning for 2 straight hours. You can see why that's scary. And it never fails that we all go back to that day with baseball sized hail falling from the sky and the sirens wailing. But there were no actual tornadoes tonight so I'm thankful for that.

I'm not really sure why anyone would want to establish a town here - we have the threat of tornadoes, we are situated on the infamous New Madrid Fault, and we are built on the banks of the Mississippi River. And I mean literally on the river - one our banks is about 50 yards from it. But whatever, it's not Angelaville is it?

I guess the other storm I'm talking about is an emotional one. Mainly because of my mom. Again. It never fails. Maybe I should be in therapy? I see a lot of movies with people in therapy about their moms...lol anyway. She calls me today and here is the ENTIRE convo:

Me: Hello?
Mom: Well Brittany is having a girl.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: I was going to see if you wanted to make her a blanket?
Me:.... (/facepalm) I...guess.
Mom: Ok. Bye.

Ahh, Brittany. She is my mom and stepdad's niece. She needs and wants a baby like she needs a hole in her head. She found out around Thanksgiving that she was pregnant and was telling us how she wasn't going to let her boyfriend get f*cked up if she couldn't. I was peeling and stabbing potatoes. Her brother and his wife had a baby boy not long ago - very happy for them and I even got to take the baby's picture. But I was a little hurt by my parents involvement. Emotionally I mean. It seemed like they felt like the baby's grandparents. I can't explain it you would just have to see it. But all I know is it makes me feel small and hurt that they would give the love reserved for my baby away.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I know they will love my baby. They just don't understand what it's like to want something so much and just not be able to make it happen - for you, for your husband, for the whole family. I'm not jealous that other people can get pregnant and I can't. I'm over that. I just don't want to feel like less of a daughter because I haven't produced a grandchild.

Zero Support

We've been TTC for over a year and I have zero support from my family. They aren't against us having a kid, they just aren't there for me. Well, by they I mean my mom. We aren't close at all. We aren't even speaking at the moment. I lived with my great grandmother since birth, so it's no wonder I'm not close with my mom. My great grandmother was my mom, dad and friend all rolled into one. She passed away when I was 19 and my life changed forever. I miss her every single day. My mom is an overall disappointment to me. She drinks a lot and is a very selfish person. I was over at her house a few months ago and I was telling her about a name I liked for a girl and she said, "If you ever have one. I'm not holding my breath." Gut punch. Wind knocked out of me. It's days like that I need TMP. I feel pretty confident I know how NOT to be a mom from her. I miss my real mom, my nanny. I could talk to her about anything and she would do anything in her power to help me, not hurt me. Well, that's all. My eyes burn.