Cycle #17,834 coming to an end

It's been a month of birthdays. First mine on the 11th, then baby Dyllan was born on the 21st then Adam's was the 22nd. It's been crazy. Baby Dyllan deciding to come a full 9 days before his scheduled C-section delivery had everyone running around like chickens with their heads cut off. (btw that's a horrible saying) I stayed with SIL for many of their first few days home, day and night, taking them to doctors' appointments, etc. She also has an almost 10 year old who I delivered to school and karate lessons. So let's just say between cake, parties, babysitting and being away from DH, I didn't ovulate and even if I did our moments together have been scattered here and there (and when I WAS home I was pooped) so it wouldn't have mattered. Also, wanted to throw this out there, I was taking my Metformin from an old bottle, not super old, a few months. I was wondering if they were old and didn't have any oomph to them? (is that a word? i think so..) I have a new bottle so we'll see I guess. So come on AF, I know you're coming...

Foul Mood

OMG. It's one of those days I need a punching bag. I'm pretty sure I would break a bone. I'm just really really mad. I was fine until we went over to mom's. She was watching "One Born Every Minute" (yay). Then she goes to her favorite anecdote - how she "just can't wait for when I have a baby. I'm not gonna be able to take it because I don't like pain (wtf)." For some reason she thinks I have no pain tolerance and I have heard this a million times from her. Well before I didn't have the big, festering, infertility stab wound in my back. She poured salt allllll up in it tonight and I.lost.it. I mean does she think she is Wonder Woman? OBVIOUSLY it's going to hurt. OBVIOUSLY I don't like pain, who the hell does? I told her that too. I said do you like pain? NO. I don't sit around crying when I have pain, and I do have pain. My menstrual cramps HURT. When I have cysts, IT HURTS. She doesn't know my pain tolerance. I told her point blank she WILL NOT be by my side when I give birth. She will just piss me off.

Other notable things that have gone wrong today:

• I stepped on a staple with the heel of my bare foot.
• My dogs unraveled a whole skein of yarn
• I grabbed one can of soda out of the fridge and several fall onto the floor.

Is it tomorrow yet?

So it begins

Today I went back on the hardcore PCOS diet and the Metformin. Tonight was 15 Bean Soup and boiled cabbage.

Sick of it!

I swear I would delete my Facebook account if I didn't need it for my photography page. Today, my mom's niece ( a different one if you can believe it) announced her pregnancy and it reduced me to a snotty mess. I wish I didn't care. This particular morning I stared a a stark white HPT. No, you're right, it's not like it was the first time. It's just getting really old. Oh, and my birthday is coming up too, which I refuse to celebrate anymore. Just one year older and still childless. I text DH about the pregnancy announcement and he said: Angela it will happen baby.. It will be worth the wait. I know he's right. But, it doesn't make any of this any easier. Sigh.

20 Questions

Ok, Britney from My Journey tagged me for this..Here we go!

Rule #1: The tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: Tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?

If you know me at all, you already know this and are rolling your eyes like "Do they really have to ask that?" My dogs are my babies. I have four. Yeah that's crazy, I know. But I LOVE them like crazy and I couldn't imagine not having any of them.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?

To be a mommy one day :)

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

With a billion dollars, I would have a harder time thinking of what not to do. For one, I would go buy this cute little house here in town that I am in love with. It's just so perfect looking. It's not for sale, but I'm sure with the right offer, anything's possible right? ;) We would get the car each of us wanted. Share the wealth with the fam and go on the honeymoon we never had. 

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Easy, a bath. It doesn't necessarily make me come skipping and whistling out of the bathroom, but I'm less likely to kill someone hehe.

5. What is your bedtime routine?

Bath, jammies, one of us takes the dogs out one last time, and settle in with DH to watch Netflix til we get sleepy.

6. What activities did you do in High School? If you could go back, would you do the same stuff or something different?

I was in choir, honor society and participated in all the homecoming activities (making floats, decorating school etc.) I went to all the dances. I think I'd do it pretty much the same.

7. What kind of books do you read?

Well, I haven't been reading lately which is a shame, I know. I'm gonna get dumb. But, I do love a good series. Yes, of course Twilight and Harry Potter. I also love James Patterson-the Womens Murder Club series is super good. I used to read a lot of Stephen King. Oooh and Jodi Picoult! If you haven'r read her, you definitely should!

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

2-3 kids, jobs we love and just being content. I don't need to have it all, just the simple things in life and a family.♥

9. What’s your fear?

Well, duh. I fear I am never going to be a mom. Let's not dwell on that one.moving on..

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?

Never!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Secretly, if I wake up before Adam..sometimes I lay there and wait for him to wake up so he can take the dogs out..then when he's out of sight, I get up and go pee. Don't tell tho, k? This is a good thing I got going :)

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?

His "cleaning". I would prefer it if he didn't "help." Here's how it goes down on a day he has cleaned:

Babe, have you seen my ____? 

No, I haven't touched it. 

It was right there the last time I saw it. 

I dunno. 

But YOU cleaned.

It's just beyond me how you can't remember where you put something! I really suspect a missing circuit from hand to brain while cleaning. I tell him he just hides stuff.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I actually like mine and wouldn't change it. I was the only Angela in my grade or any of the grades around mine. I like to be different. ;)

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

OMG. I would lose my mind from all the muddy pawprints. Sun. Sun. Sun.

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Chinese. Love it. Never gets old.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?

I like having an outlet I guess. And I also like the decorating part hehe

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?

Salty I would say.

18. What items are in your purse right now?

I actually have not even looked in my purse since the last week of January when we went on a small trip. I mostly just stick my debit card in my pocket and go with it. But, here's what I remember being in there: Wallet/checkbook, Icebreaker Sours, Sweetpea scented hand sanitizers, bunch of receipts, I'm sure some kind of lipgloss/chapstick.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?

Tough one...beach I think.


20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?

Food Network at night...makes me hungry

okay...I tag
Tillie at a nuttier life
Amy at Miracle in the Making
Melodie at The {in}fertility Diaries
Janessa at My Jolly Life

Storms: Weather and Other Kinds

There's nothing quite like living in Tornado Alley at the onset of spring. We have always been pretty lucky except for April 2, 2006. It changed the face of my quiet little town forever. On that lovely Sunday evening, as families were at evening church services, unwinding after dinner and just going about life as usual - an F3 tornado, 1/2 a mile WIDE was making it's way toward us. It destroyed 60% of my town, including our high school. We were without power and water for days. Hundreds were without a home. We were very fortunate than none of our families homes were majorly damaged and no one in our town died. That's nothing short of a miracle. Here's the monster and you can view some of the damage HERE:

Tonight we had some pretty severe storms. Our county had a tornado warning for 2 straight hours. You can see why that's scary. And it never fails that we all go back to that day with baseball sized hail falling from the sky and the sirens wailing. But there were no actual tornadoes tonight so I'm thankful for that.

I'm not really sure why anyone would want to establish a town here - we have the threat of tornadoes, we are situated on the infamous New Madrid Fault, and we are built on the banks of the Mississippi River. And I mean literally on the river - one our banks is about 50 yards from it. But whatever, it's not Angelaville is it?

I guess the other storm I'm talking about is an emotional one. Mainly because of my mom. Again. It never fails. Maybe I should be in therapy? I see a lot of movies with people in therapy about their moms...lol anyway. She calls me today and here is the ENTIRE convo:

Me: Hello?
Mom: Well Brittany is having a girl.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: I was going to see if you wanted to make her a blanket?
Me:.... (/facepalm) I...guess.
Mom: Ok. Bye.

Ahh, Brittany. She is my mom and stepdad's niece. She needs and wants a baby like she needs a hole in her head. She found out around Thanksgiving that she was pregnant and was telling us how she wasn't going to let her boyfriend get f*cked up if she couldn't. I was peeling and stabbing potatoes. Her brother and his wife had a baby boy not long ago - very happy for them and I even got to take the baby's picture. But I was a little hurt by my parents involvement. Emotionally I mean. It seemed like they felt like the baby's grandparents. I can't explain it you would just have to see it. But all I know is it makes me feel small and hurt that they would give the love reserved for my baby away.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I know they will love my baby. They just don't understand what it's like to want something so much and just not be able to make it happen - for you, for your husband, for the whole family. I'm not jealous that other people can get pregnant and I can't. I'm over that. I just don't want to feel like less of a daughter because I haven't produced a grandchild.

Imperfection and weakness

I'm so very far from perfect. And so is our relationship. Like all others, we have our ups and downs - maybe more downs than some. We have had to overcome a lot of things, and we always come out stronger because of it. Even the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of becoming parents. I was looking through past entries in my blog, and in February of last year I was clueless as to what was wrong with me and why it wasn't happening for us. At the orders of a quack nurse practitioner, I was taking birth control pills. That didn't go so well. It damn sure didn't help anything.

I'm just not sure how strong I am. How strong WE are. This has been so tiring. Maybe we waited too long to start trying. I look at most TTC stories and they started right after the wedding or within a year or 2. For us, we've been together nearly 11 years and married for 6 - something has been missing for awhile now. It just really wears you down.

But we're gonna keep trying. We don't know how not to anymore.

Today is a day for miracles

I've been gone awhile but I'm tiptoeing my way back into things.

Today is such a happy day. A beautiful friend and fellow PCOS chick has brought a miracle baby into this world. After trying for 2 years to conceive, she finally did and now has a perfect little man in her arms. She has been such a support to me and many others, and now she and her little family are a beacon of hope in this sometimes dark and dreary fight. Congratulations Amy, many happy tears for you and your sweet Jackson.

CD1

Not sad. At least she's on time. Hope you all had a a Merry Christmas. I sure did! Here's a few pics!

Me and my niece Savannah trying to figure out who's double chin is bigger :P

Adam's family

Neat photo block Adam's oldest sister made for us

Christmas!

Savannah in all her cute glory

My brownies! Recipe from http://www.bakerella.com

Me and my SIL Shonda

Me and the hubs. I hate getting my picture taken :/

Confessional

Forgive me TTCers, for I have sinned.
I only half-heartedly TTCed this month. With good reason I assure you. We have been really struggling financially - REALLY struggling. Here's the story:

Back in July, we moved in with MIL and FIL, because she asked us to. FIL is terminal and wheelchair bound, having extra people here ensures that he has someone here at least most of the time. He can do most things for himself, it's his overall physical condition that is worrisome. Anyway, in August I was due back to school and DH was working. We were buying a truck that was in his brother's name. Originally, BIL came to us because he had 2 vehicles and he could not afford them both. We took the car, and after a year he wanted to trade...and well DH wanted a truck so we did. My second week of school, we were at home one night and noticed a vehicle outside. It was a towtruck. Uh huh. BIL screwed us over. Towtruck Guy says it's $1400 behind. And it was behind $1400 before he traded us. He knowingly did that. I'm still super mad. So now we have no car at all.

 Not long after that, DH is contacted by the local Warmart and is offered a supervisory job. He was the assistant manager at Sonic at the time. We talked it over and felt that Walmart had more advancement opportunities and he took the job. So, on his first night to work for Walmart, he shows up and the told him he can't work there, something about his application. Well, according to the manager his "application wasn't correct". I am thinking his Sonic boss had something to do with that. Oh and the reason I think that is because right before DH took the Walmart job, his boss had him working with some new guy and then after DH left some coworkers told him that the boss was leaving and the new guys was going to be manager. That was supposed to be  DH. He devoted 10 freaking years to that place, and was promised it by his boss. So, yeah I think he did it. Who can trust him? OK so now, no car and no income. GREAT. Well, I do still have my photography but it's not steady. Ok, so yeah it's been crazy. I decided not to take my Metformin this cycle. We couldn't afford to splurge on extra food and TTC supplies. And if we can't afford that...we have no business TTC.

I'm happy to report DH just started a new job, and the best part is...it's a block away! This makes me sooooo happy. It's hard to find a job where we live unless you travel...and well, it's kind of hard without a car. So, I'm hoping to be fully back in the TTC game in January! C'mon BFP :)

AF, OPKs and Santa

AF is still visiting for the holidays. :( My OPKs should be in today. And I'm sot of dreading sort of looking forward to the weekend. The town has a Enchanted Christmas Festival and I'm taking Pictures with Santa. Then I have a couple shoots Sunday so I won't be around much.

BFmaybe?

I dunno. Second morning pee...what do you think? (You should be able to click and make them bigger)

 

It's ok if you think I'm nuts, so does the hubby. :)

OPK?

I went to visit my HPT's in my stash box. Ya know, just seeing what they were up to. And there was an OPK floating around and I was SURE I was out! So, yeah without further ado, my OPK:

(I flipped in backwards because I have to hold it in my left hand because my camera is ginormous)

I want to test SO BAD. I am really trying to hold out til Wednesday. My temp dipped a little today but it's still nice and high. If I ever though my boobs were sore before, I was sadly mistaken. Ow! I'm a little crampy off and on. I really can't stand this wait. To fill in the rest of this post (because I'm turning pretty whiny) here's my chart.

I'm so irritable today

Even though my chart looks great, I can't shake this bad mood. MIL is really rubbing me the wrong way today - I want to strangle her, even though most of the things irritating me have nothing to do with me directly. DH and I went for a walk that ended prematurely. I snapped at him about something that wasn't his fault (MIL related). I dunno I just feel like punching something or crying maybe. Ugh!

2ww is driving me insane

Seriously...I can't take it! I'm 5dpo and 4 days until my doctor appointment. I really doubt I get a BFP there. The appointment is at 1pm so definitely NOT FMU. So, Thanksgiving Day is 10dpo. I'm hoping for a BFP that day. It would be so cool to get a BFP on Thanksgiving...I would definitely be thankful. But, really..I'll take a BFP any day of the year, so come on!

Crosshairs!

My temp is on the rise people! I got bummed when I looked at the thermometer though. I guess I have a habit of looking straight to the last digit, so I saw .1. Then, I saw 98!! :)

Now we wait

 

Eeek! The BD is done for this cycle, and I hope we get good results...we sure tried hard! Hehehe.  I have 5 ICs and I'm going to try to be a really good girl and not test until at least 10dpo. I can't wait to see those pretty red crosshairs and know that they are real and I ovulated. That doctor's appointment has already brought me so far and I've made more progress in the last few weeks than I have in years, both in my cycle and in weight loss. I really think the weight loss was a big factor in ovulating this cycle. This is going to be a long 2 weeks!

Fertility Friend is in for a shock

Mwahahaha

 

I got the EGG!!!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG!

That's all I can really say about that!